I Don't Think 'Languishing' Quite Captures This Stage of the Pandemic

I’ve heard the term languishing being used to describe the feeling of this stage of the pandemic. It gives a word to the stagnation and emptiness many feel right now. But I think there’s another feeling at work here. I was on the phone with a friend the other day and we were talking about how tired we were. We were even tired of watching TV. It’s not that there aren’t things we want to watch, but we’re tired of the act of watching it. And that’s when it clicked 

I realized I’m tired of consuming. I’m tired of watching TV, of watching Tiktok, of increasingly ridiculous reality shows. I’m tired of buying online, and scrolling through my phone’s various timesucking methods. 

Consuming has been the easiest activity to lean on during the pandemic. It’s not like I didn’t do any of these things before it started, but when we were confined to our homes, these were really the only things left. And once things started opening up a bit, they were still the only things we could rely on to do without putting ourselves at risk of getting sick when going out, or feeling guilty for enjoying when many others cannot.

So instead of making the tradeoffs of going out, it has been easier to stay in and consume. Consume. Consume. Consume. At least while consuming, I can pretend that I’m keeping other people employed and participating in the economy rather than putting essential workers at risk. At least I can pretend things are normal. At least I can watch someone else’s fictional life on screen where masks never were, are, or will be present, and project myself onto it. But ‘at least’ isn’t good enough. 

I miss experiencing. I miss seeing, touching, smelling for myself. And I miss doing it without having to account for COVID. That’s the feeling. I miss not having to make sure I have a clean mask with me. I miss being able to meet someone new and identify them by their smile. I miss being able to travel without worrying about finding a testing center. 

Everything is available to me, and I’m very privileged to say so, but it still exists under a layer of anxiety, risk, and guilt. Pure enjoyment is difficult to find these days. We live each day mostly inside, still grasping for things to fill our time. But without new experiences, everything else can get stale pretty quickly. 

I don’t quite feel the panic and overwhelming confusion of the beginning of the pandemic. Nor the crushing depression of the middle, not even the pervasive existential dread of the later months.I have things to do and am generally happy, but it’s like I’m watching a movie from the 50’s. With it’s watered down pastels, the picture has some color, but it’s nowhere near as bright and vivid as I know it can be. 

Even my own apartment constantly reminds me of my own consumption. I’ve created bad habits when I’m home alone of consuming, scrolling, starting and stopping different shows, and shopping from my phone. The only thing that helps is spending time outside of my own place - going to watch anime at my sister’s, staying with my parents, cooking at my boyfriend’s. Having mini experiences with people I love but still in the safety of a home where we don’t have to make any concessions for COVID helps keep me sane. 

I’m hesitant to let this feeling fall under the umbrella of languishing because it’s not about feeling stagnant. It’s about the thin layer of unpleasant emotions that is continuing to coat everything else. There’s not much to be done about it but I think it’s still important to acknowledge and if you’ve come up with a name for this, let me know. 

Getting out of the city helps too