I fear I do indeed possess a maternal instinct

Earlier this month my cat, Wisp, needed emergency surgery and is still undergoing extensive medication treatment for a rare eye issue.

This ordeal spurred an unexpected emotional response from me. I was nearly completely fixated on my cat. My parents say this unlocked my maternal instinct. To some extent maybe that’s true. Although I don’t subscribe to the delusion that having a pet is the same as being a parent, this was the first time I actually felt the weight of being responsible for another living thing. If anything, this experience has cemented my fear that parenthood is filled with a tremendous amount of worry and no way around it.

I had previously known that parenting required some intentional imposition of suffering on a child. You have to say no sometimes, you have to allow them to overcome obstacles on their own. While I imagine this can sometimes be annoying, it never seemed difficult. The gains to be made in imposing this short term suffering are clear enough that the decision to impose it is easy. No, you can’t have the iPad because I’m preserving your future attention span may provoke some frustration from a child but ultimately for the parent it is not difficult to see the benefit in powering through.

However, this issue with my cat exposed me to a situation where there was no benefit to the suffering. I had to make a call that could potentially prolong or worsen suffering with no guaranteed long term benefit. I had never considered this before. I never thought about the decisions parents might have to make where you have to choose between the lesser of two evils in order to minimize unintentional suffering. This ended up being far more difficult for me. It made me an absolute wreck. I collapsed under the weight of having to be responsible for causing unjustified suffering towards something that relies on me completely for its wellbeing.

When Wisp started having issues, for the first few days, these my coping mechanisms were on overdrive. I was literally either on the brink of constant tears with worry, or I was actively working or working out. The first few days held a lot of those decisions that all felt like lose/lose scenarios. I couldn’t stand potentially being responsible for additional pain for Wisp. I know logically that everyone can only do the best they can with the information they have at the time - but I have (fortunately) not been faced with many scenarios I where the options are so bleak. If this is even close to what parenting is like, then I am, perhaps, woefully unequipped for it.

One positive emergence has been a complete lack of shame when it came to Wisp’s care during this time. I have no qualms about asking a ridiculous amount of questions, calling the vet at all hours, or going to multiple appointments. I would feel ridiculously overbearing if I was advocating for myself in this way, but for him, I didn’t even have to think about it.

Although it’s good to know I have that in me, it is also sobering to realize just how difficult actual parenthood might be - and you can’t choose what problems to face. It’s not like I could’ve known that my cat would develop these specific issues. With children the stakes multiply exponentially. When you decide to have a child, you are taking a risk. You have no idea what suffering they will have to face, and what’s more, you will likely be the cause of much of it - at least at first.

The decision to become a parent is one that weighs on me heavily these days [I have unsuccessfully tried to escape the biological ticking clock], and this experience crystallized a few things that I suspected were difficult about parenting but now realize truly are terrifying. But I also have to recognize that I did adjust. It was difficult and fraught with stress but I got there. And maybe that’s what it would be like to be a parent: a series of new realities that flow into each other, possibly some bad, but I would eventually adjust.

April ‘25 Consumption Report

I’ve developed the following rating system, it’s half Michelin inspired and half of my own making.

• 5/5 - go out of your way to consume this, it is incredible, we will have endless discussions if you do. I’m obsessed.

• 4/5 - It is good. If you pick it up, I bet you won’t be disappointed

• 3/5 - Take it or leave it. It didn’t offend nor impress me.

• 2/5 - It maybe has a couple redeemable qualities. Would not consume it knowing what I know now.

• 1/5 - Avoid at all costs. Go out of your way to avoid it.

Here are April’s ratings:

Books: barely any books this month. One of my coping mechanisms is reading long form fanfiction so that is all I’ve read this month. I WILL share the ones I finish though!

1. You Are Here - Thich Nhat Hanh 4/5

Movies -

1. Mickey 17 (3/5)

2. Never Say Never Again (3/5)

3. The Living Daylights (4/5)

4. The Return (3/5)

TV Shows

1. Apothecary Diaries S2 (in progress) 5/5

2. Yona of the Dawn (in progress) 4/5

3. Dr. Stone S3 4/5