July 2024 Diary - Mourning My Childhood
I just got back from spending almost the entirety of July in Greece. All in all, it was a great trip - very little to complain about when you’re lying on a beautiful beach - but I felt the tiniest twinge of sadness for nearly the whole trip and it wasn’t until my final days that I realized the source.
If you added up how much time I’ve spent in Greece between the ages of 0-18, it would equate to almost three years of my life. As a family, we would go to Greece for 2-3 months at a time during the summer. Although I never technically lived or went to school there, I have memories of these long uninterrupted stretches Greek summer that are overwhelmingly positive.
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I remember sitting with my sister eating cookies, drinking Coke, and watching whatever English TV we could find while the adults all took siesta. I remember getting a little ponytail tan line on my back because my sister and I would be digging holes all day in the sand. I remember my γιαγιά’s cooking. I remember that she would grow the biggest, reddest tomatoes I’d ever seen. I remember picking pine needles out of her garden to help her keep it tidy. I remember going to get water from the village water fountain. I remember that every meal was together as a family. I remember our regular order from the local souvlaki place. I remember begging to get ice cream from the corner shops after dinner. I remember the routine of waking up to go to the beach, coming home around 1, fighting over the shower, having a lunch of tomato salad and toast sandwiches. We would always see whose cheese would stretch the longest. I remember hot afternoons spent reading. I remember playing so many games of cards all together.
As a post college adult, I’ve now been to Greece 4 times. Adding those up, they equate to a mere 10 weeks out of the last 8 years. The first was for my post-grad trip. I did this trip mostly alone. I went again 2 years later with my family. They spent the whole summer there while I spent 2 weeks there since that was what I could take off work. Then it was 4 years before I went again. COVID happened, I had a new job, and the gap between visits had grown before I realized it. On that trip many things were different. My γιαγιά’s health was rapidly declining, we no longer had access to our original Athens apartment, and I had brought a partner for the first time. Again, I could only stay for 2 weeks and 1 of those weeks was spent alone with my boyfriend. This last trip, I was in Europe for 25 days and 19 of those days were spent in Greece. For the first few days, I worked from Greece and was alone with my parents. Then my sister and boyfriend arrived and we all explored a new island. After that, I only spent. A couple more nights with my family as me and my boyfriend took a quick detour to Italy and then had to go to another part of Greece for a wedding.
These adult trips have all been so different that I did not realize until this last trip that I will never again have a trip to Greece like I did as a child.
At first, I felt guilty because some of the reasons I hadn’t been having similar trips were self imposed. I chose to have a job that has limited time off. I chose to bring my boyfriend with me. I chose to explore new places each time instead of just staying in our regular areas. I chose to turn my time there into an activity packed vacation, instead of just a change of scenery to spend time with loved ones.
But as I thought more about it, I realized some of the changes have been outside my control. Both my grandparents have now passed away so we don’t spend time with them anymore. We lost access to the original apartment we stayed in as kids in Athens due to some family drama. My parents are also older and different. My sister is older and different. Even if my job and relationship hadn’t changed, these things would have happened anyways.
While I had what I consider to be a generally happy childhood, that time in Greece as a child holds a far more special place in my heart than I realized. Those trips to Greece represent times I actually felt all the good parts about being a child. Sure, I remember playing at home in the states but life at home quickly turned into a mostly task based life. Go to school, do your homework, go to practice, go to this appointment. After early elementary school, I don’t have as many memories of play and relaxation - except when I would be in Greece.
I’ve been independent for almost a decade now and it never struck me to mourn my childhood. I always thought about my childhood as an abstract concept that I assumed I must have enjoyed but had no desire to return to. I have seamlessly grown into living on my own and making my own decisions. I never mourned the days where my parents would manage my life or would pay for things. Those have been easy tradeoffs to make for independence. Greece always remained constant in my mind, an experience that would never change.
But it did. I’ll never eat a home cooked meal from my γιαγιά at her kitchen table ever again. I’ll never beg my parents to pay for ice cream after dinner. I’ll never have weeks on end of killing time during siestas. I’ll never again have endless days with no cell service spent at the beach and playing cards.
I don’t know how this didn’t dawn on me. Why would the rest of my life change and not this? And I’m crushed. I’m mad at myself for not realizing this sooner. I like to think I would’ve prepared or something. I wish someone had told me that there would be a last childhood trip. That all the trips after would never be the same and there’s no way to get them back. Maybe I wouldn’t have believed them.
So now I’m left reeling from the revelation that my childhood is well and truly over. My dynamic with my immediate family will never be the same. I don’t have the same time for play. My life is evolving. On the one hand, there are a lot of things to love about my life and I’m sure there will be some good down the road. But only now do I realize there are things about my previous life that were precious and golden and I can never have them again those things deserve to be mourned properly.
July Consumption Report
I’ve developed the following rating system, it’s half Michelin inspired and half of my own making.
5/5 - go out of your way to consume this, it is incredible, we will have endless discussions if you do. I’m obsessed.
4/5 - It is good. If you pick it up, I bet you won’t be disappointed
3/5 - Take it or leave it. It didn’t offend nor impress me
2/5 - It maybe has a couple redeemable qualities. Would not consume it knowing what I know now.
1/5 - Avoid at all costs. Go out of your way to avoid it.
Here are July’s ratings
Books: I read a ton this month since reading is my favorite thing to do at the beach.
Piranesi by Susanna Clarke (5/5)
The Next Mrs Parrish by liv Constantine (3/5)
Carnality by Lina Wolff (4/5)
One Italian Summer by Rebecca Serle (3/5)
Finna by Nico Cipri (3/5)
Peach Blossom Spring by Melissa Fu (4/5)
Lies and Weddings by Kevin Kwan (3/5)
Stars and Smoke by Marie Lu (2/5)
Translation State by Annie Leicke (4/5)
Sword of Kaigen by ML Wang (5/5)
Movies: Watched a few movies while in transit but nothing stuck out too much other than Bottoms.
The Women (3/5)
Venom (3/5)
Bridget Jones’s Diary (3/5)
American Fiction (3/5)
Bottoms (5/5)
TV shows: Didn’t spend too much time on TV while on vacation but all were solid.
America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (4/5)
The Boys S4 (4/5)
Romantic Killer (4/5)
Restaurants: I am Chicago based so if there is no city next to the restaurant that means it’s in Chicago/Chicago Area. I didn’t get all the restaurants listed from my trip but I’ve listed the standout ones
Valedor (4/5)
Makarounes (Athens) (4/5)
Enlefko (Syros) (4/5)
Paralos (Kefalonia) (4/5)
Taverna Sirtaki (Kefalonia) (4/5)
La Trappola (Bellluno) (5/5)
Suinson (Selva) (4/5)
Sal Feur (Selva) (4/5)
Patio (Athens) (5/5)
Syros, Greece
