What Makes a Good Friend?
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how unrealistic the idea of one all-encompassing best friend is. However, I completely glossed over what is realistic. I spent last weekend with a few of my greatest friends and it got me thinking about what truly makes. I don’t share a location, race, family background, career, major hobbies, or even taste in music with most of my close friends. Yet, those friendships remain strong. I’m sure a close friend is made up of a thousand little things but a few bigger ideas need to be at play already.
The first is that this person is able to see you. They see you as your best, truest version of yourself. We all know how it feels to vibe with someone. They take the words out of your mouth, say things out loud that you were thinking, and when you talk, they respond in a way that makes you feel like they get it. A close friend takes that feeling to the nth degree because they do actually know things about you, and they continue to try and learn more. They listen. They respect your boundaries. They retain your words. They take your recommendations. They lean on you for input. Nothing is off the table for conversation with them. They see you as a positive force in their life and want to deepen that connection by seeking to understand you. Because they see you positively, they also seek to support and cheer you on in your endeavors.
Although they see you positively, they are not blind fans. They also see when you self-sabotage, or spin into an anxiety spiral, or are just plain wrong and they tell you. They force you to live up to your own potential, to live up to the way they see you. A friend who simply supports everything you do isn’t a friend, they’re an enabler. A good friend will call you on your shit when you need it.
In the same vein, a good friend is also growth-minded. In the same way they seek to understand more about you, they seek to improve themselves and their own lives. They prioritize learning and keeping an open mind. They are receptive to new ideas and like to discuss things that are different or uncomfortable. They have their own pursuits and don’t feel threatened or competitive with their friends. People talk about being your best self in relationships, and that includes friendships.
Lastly, a good friend is independent. They have their own life, goals, and relationships. For some, this may make them insecure, but a good friend to me is a whole person unto themselves. They won’t make me feel bad if I didn’t pick up the phone when they called. They won’t use me as their single source of support. I have gone months without talking to certain friends, but I know that I could reach out at any moment and they’d be there for me and I’d be there for them. There’s no other type of relationship where that feels natural and I’m grateful that friendships can operate this way. It’s mutually understood and respected that we are busy, tired, anxious humans who do love our friends but who also have a ton of other shit going on.
Good friends are insanely hard to find, especially as you get older. Shared experiences and living situations get increasingly scarce so our good friends become even more precious. My close friends have formed my life and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be who I am today without having known them and fostered such a close relationship. Your criteria for a good friend may not be the same as mine but I hope you have some and you hold onto them very tightly.
I never get tired of these ladies no matter how long we go without seeing each other