One Question To Ask Yourself To Help You Say No

This summer has felt like one unending stream of events. Not only is summer usually a socially hectic time, but there has also been the added category of COVID-delayed activities that were finally allowed to happen. I did get some vacation, but I also have had multiple weddings, wedding-related events, birthdays, work dinners, parties, and a variety of other plans that take their toll on my social battery.

I used to be rather good at balancing my social calendar with my personal downtime, but this summer has felt especially social. Most likely because I’m out of practice. COVID left us all bored out of our minds so it’s tough to say no now that things are picking up again. Many of us may also still have the lingering feeling of not knowing how long this time will last since there have been so many false starts over the past couple of years.

However, personally, I think I’m getting to the point where I have to revisit what it means to be balanced. I recently listed to this podcast in which Tim Ferris interviews a co-founder of Duolingo Luis Von Ahn. Tim covers an insane amount of topics in this interview but at one point he asks Von Ahn how he contends with all the invitations and asks of his time now that his business is super successful. Von Ahn talks about how he used to be a yes man and when people would ask him to do things in advance it was super easy to say yes. Like when someone asks you to be in their wedding next year, or they ask you to come to their party in three weeks. But when the moment actually arrives, you start second guessing if that is actually how you want to spend your time. So he implemented a rule for himself. When someone asks him to do something, he asks himself if this person were asking him to do this thing tomorrow, would he still say yes? Most of the time the answer is no.

Asking yourself this question really allows you to put your time and priorities in perspective. There are always going to be things you really want to do, and things you really don’t want to do, but most invites fall somewhere in the middle. They sound fine, and you accept more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. By pretending to confront the event sooner, you can realize how important it is to you much immediately. It’s too easy to agree to things that seem far away, but by bringing them closer, it puts the magnitude of saying yes in clearer perspective.

As always, there are multiple sides to this. On the one hand, there have been many times when I didn’t want to go to a party or event but once I forced myself to go, I actually ended up having a good time and don’t regret going at all. This type of rule could theoretically cause me to miss out on this type of joy.

On the other hand, I have been to many an event I should have just declined. I had a neutral or bad time and on top of that, I definitely had things I would have rather been doing.

There are people and events I would drop everything for, but they are rare and I need to be honest with myself about my capacity. Usually, I’m the type of person that needs to be encouraged to say yes to more outings, but I’m in a period of life where there are almost too many events: weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, birthday trips, housewarming parties, date nights, friend dinners, vacations, the list goes on. But I need to make sure I take care of myself and hopefully asking myself this question will give me another way of doing that.

I don’t have any pictures of myself saying no so you’ll just have to take my word for it