January 2024 Diary - Friendship, Skincare, Consumption Report
January Deep Thought: Friendship
This month I saw four friends for coffee or a meal, I caught up with two over the phone, reached out to two more friends I haven’t spoken with in awhile, and made travel plans to two separate locations to see friends within the next couple months.
Thanks for reading On Second Thought! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
This is extremely uncharacteristic for me. January is typically a slow month in which seasonal depression usually hits me in full force after the winter holiday. I usually struggle to find the motivation to take part in anything outside of my normal routine, especially inundating myself with plans and commitments.
Mid last year, I listened to a podcast episode from The Atlantic entitled “What do we Owe Our Friends?” The episode ruminates on what constitutes friendship in this day and age, why flaking on friends is considered acceptable, and how to manage friendship expectations and I’ve been marinating on this for months.
The podcast made me re-evaluate how I was thinking about my friendships. I do not live in close proximity to most of my friends, nor do I talk to most of them every day. Many of these relationships survive on once-a-year visits and scattered social media communication throughout the year. Others have subsisted for years solely in the confines of running Snapchat streaks and WhatsApp chats. Some feel very consistent and equal in their communication while others experience months of dormancy until one of us experiences a rush of motivation to make plans. I started to question my friendships. Are we friends if we don’t talk every day? Every month? Do I rely on them for anything? Do I need to? Do they rely on me? Would they care if we never talked again? Would they be there for me in a crisis? Would I even call them in a crisis? Does any of this even matter in a friendship? In any case, I had resolved to be more consistent about my communication with friends.
This re-evaluation recently came to a head when I caught up with a friend at dinner who straight up told me she wondered about our friendship because I had not reached out to her in over a year. She had reached out a few times, I was never able to come through, and before I knew it, all of 2023 passed and we had not seen each other at all, even though we live in the same city! Had I really improved anything?
We’ve all seen the articles detailing how maintaining friendships as we get older is difficult. People move around often and have different schedules and commitments. Compounding that with the lack of third spaces and culture shifts, keeping friends often feels more like a task rather than an outlet. For myself, this has manifested in over-managing my expectations regarding friends. I assume I know things about my friend’s lives that I ultimately only use to justify my own inaction:
I shouldn’t call because they’re probably still working
I shouldn’t text because this is stupid and they’re probably doing something
I shouldn’t ask for this because it’s just adding to their list of things to do
I don’t even give my friends a chance to be my friend! And if I don’t give my friends a chance to be my friend, how will I be able to do the same for them?
This isn’t sustainable for me. I know in my heart of hearts that maintaining my friendships is worth it. But how do I reframe them so I don’t allow myself to overthink them? I’ve decided to try the following -
Just text: If something reminds me of a friend, I’m not allowed to think, I just need to send it. I’ve never disliked or judged someone for sending me something that reminded them of me. I believe everyone likes being thought of just like everyone enjoys getting mail (except bills).
Friend reminders: Not all my friends require the same level of communications and some have told me as much. But I did set up literal reminders in my phone to remind me to reach out to certain friends. This is to avoid what happened with the friend I recently met over dinner. In the case where we may have spoken in the last month, I can disregard the reminder, otherwise, it will serve as an easy way to remember to send a quick text. I will also add texting/talking to my friends to my to-do lists. This may seem like overkill for some, but I live and die by my lists so if it’s on there, it will be done. Work, chores, and projects all make the list, why not friends?
Increase casual vs. formal hangouts: Part of the reason, I get overwhelmed about reaching out is that I feel pressure to ‘do’ something, to make ‘good’ plans, to perform in a way. This immediately puts expectations on the time we’ve allocated for each other. Now we have to make reservations, be specific on timing, and it’s now a formal event (that is often also expensive). This is juxtaposed with when I travel to visit my friends and we spend most of the time just hanging out on a couch talking ‘doing nothing’. The casual proximity is actually what I miss most about my friendships and there’s no reason I can’t cultivate that as much as possible with the friends that are close by.
January Preoccupation: Skincare
While friendship dominated my major thoughts, my minor thoughts have mostly revolved around skincare. My skin has been my biggest insecurity for the past three years. In summer of 2021, I noticed these blotchy patches appear on my cheeks. They were red and bumpy and for the longest time, I thought it was acne due to wearing a mask all the time. After over year of trying to get them to go away using my typical routine, I recognized that I might be dealing with something new. I went to the dermatologist in the fall of 2022 and found out that I have a specific kind of rosacea (apparently there are four types). Since then, I’ve tried antibiotics, four different kinds of prescription topical treatments, and a myriad of different skincare products. My skin has improved but this year I decided I would do everything in my power to get it looking its best. As such, my mind has been preoccupied with what I should be doing, trying, or planning in order to accomplish this.
It took me so long to get to this point because I felt guilty for focusing on it so much. It’s not a health issue, it is purely aesthetic. I felt that spending copious amounts of time and money attempting to fix it would be a demonstration of vanity that I had not indulged in since high school. I felt silly.
But it’s been years, and I hate it. I don’t hate myself, or think it makes me ugly or less worthy, but it IRRITATES me. It doesn’t seem correlated with anything specific, not symptomatic of a larger issue, and it is annoying that it hasn’t gone away through any of the smaller tactics I’ve tried.
So it’s time to get over myself and pull out the big guns. This year, I’m prepared to try it all. I’m starting off with trying the Excel V laser that my dermatologist recommended, after that I will be moving on to facials and red light therapy. In the meantime, I’m also analyzing my daily skincare habits with a microscope. Am I washing my face properly? (I wasn’t, turns out) Am I over-exfoliating? (I still do sometimes). Am I touching my face more than normal? Am I trying products long enough to actually notice a difference?
Who knows where this will take me, but at least I can say I tried.
Consumption Report
I love tracking my media and decided to share everything I consume each month. I’ve developed the following rating system, it’s half Michelin inspired and half of my own making. I will only be delving into detail for things I’ve rated a 5 or that have resulted in a hyperfixation.
5/5 - go out of your way to consume this, it is incredible, we will have endless discussions if you do. I’m obsessed.
4/5 - It is good. If you pick it up, I bet you won’t be disappointed
3/5 - Take it or leave it. It didn’t offend nor impress me
2/5 - It maybe has a couple redeemable qualities. Would not consume it knowing what I know now.
1/5 - Avoid at all costs. Go out of your way to avoid it.
Here are January’s ratings
Books: No 5/5 books this month but I will say #5 has stuck in my brain. Think Stepford wives with an even darker implication.
I’m a Fan - Sheena Patel (3/5)
All Night Pharmacy - Ruth Madievsky (4/5)
Y/N - Esther Yi (4/5)
Minor Detail - Adania Shibli (3/5)
Comfort Me With Apples - Catherynne M Valente (4/5)
The Final Curtain - Keigo Higashino (4/5)
I’m Glad My Mom Died - Jennette McCurdy (4/5)
The Island of Missing Trees - Elif Shafak (4/5)
Movies: Again no full 5s but all very solid watches this month.
Whisper of the Heart (4/5)
Poor Things (4/5)
Self Reliance (3/5)
Fair play (4/5)
Oldboy (4/5)
TV shows: A few standouts…
You are what you eat (3/5)
Marry My Husband (4/5)
Invincible (5/5): Am I tired of superhero tropes? Yes. Am I tired of media that subverts superhero tropes? No. This animated series considers what coming of age might look like when you’re half human, half super and how living up to your super parent might have more costs than you ever imaged.
Fool Me Once (4/5)
I’ve also been rewatching HunterxHunter with my boyfriend and it has been really rewarding to share one of my favorite series with him.
Restaurants: I love tracking my restaurants and there was one standout this month.
Al Alma (MDE) (3/5)
La Deriva (MDE) (3/5)
Diablico’s (PTY) (5/5)
Black & Caspian (4/5)
Asador Bastian (5/5): This is a Basque steakhouse and while the food was notable, the real standout were the drinks. They have some of the best martinis in the city, and hangover I had the next day can attest to this.
Bodega Taqueria (3/5)
Daebak KBBQ (4/5)
Panama City
