February 2024 Diary - The fear of complacency

I started keeping a daily journal during the pandemic as an outlet for all the anxiety I was having at that time. On top of the consequences of a global pandemic, I didn’t like my job and was in an unsatisfactory relationship. There was a lot for me to write about back then.

I’ve kept up the habit as it remains a good strategy for me to process my thoughts but lately when I have been opening up my journal, I find that I have very little to say. My journal has historically been used as a dumping ground for all of my worst feelings. The worry, anxiety, pettiness, anger, frustration. And while I do still have things in life that stress me out, I find that lately I have been…content.

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This terrifies me. I realized that I am currently living perilously close to my ideal life. I like my job, I find it interesting, I like the people I work with and the hours aren’t too bad. I make more than enough money to afford necessities, nice things, and most anything I could want. I have a great family who are close by and healthy. I have an incredible boyfriend. I am in great health. I have amazing friends that are fascinating people who enrich my life. I like my apartment. Hell, it’s tough to find anything about my current life I don’t like.

This is a feeling I never believed I would feel. I am a pessimistic type person and growing up, I was never in a place where I was completely satisfied with my life. There was always another test to study for, another time to beat, another milestone to achieve. And that was how I ran my life. I built it around whatever was ‘next’. Once I was an adult, there was always another job to get, another apartment, city, or country to move to, another certification to achieve.

On the one hand, this made me insanely productive. I’m intrinsically motivated and as soon as I would identify something that I wasn’t satisfied with, I wasted no time in making a plan to change it. On the other hand, it meant I was always on edge, always on the lookout for the next thing to work on.

Now, every day when I open my journal I am a little afraid. I’m afraid that this feeling means I won’t feel the need to work towards anything else. I’m also afraid I will start to enjoy it so much that I will be afraid to take any risks from here on out. I achieved the goals I had convinced myself would make me happy - and some of them actually did? I am satisfied? I am happy? But I have so much time left, what the hell am I supposed to do now? Enjoy it?

When I zoom out, this feeling has only been around for a microscopic period of time in my life. And it’s not as if I’ve stopped pursuing goals altogether. I wrote last month about my skincare quest, there are a ton of work projects I have in progress, and quite a few things I’m planning for in 2024. But none of these feel like I have to do them. None of them feel absolutely necessary to my happiness. It is refreshing to feel the absence of that little voice that persisted in highlighting my inadequacies.

Predictably, the best thing I should probably do in this situation is enjoy it. Perhaps this is a feeling that comes with age? Who knows? I do know that I should absolutely marinate in while it lasts. Something else is bound to come up. It always does. life is like that and if I finally have a period of peace - I need to shut up and allow myself to enjoy my life for once.

Consumption Report

Short one this month as it has been work heavy and there was continuance from last month for many TV shows.

I’ve developed the following rating system, it’s half Michelin inspired and half of my own making. I will only be delving into detail for things I’ve rated a 5 or that have resulted in a hyperfixation.

5/5 - go out of your way to consume this, it is incredible, we will have endless discussions if you do. I’m obsessed.

4/5 - It is good. If you pick it up, I bet you won’t be disappointed

3/5 - Take it or leave it. It didn’t offend nor impress me

2/5 - It maybe has a couple redeemable qualities. Would not consume it knowing what I know now.

1/5 - Avoid at all costs. Go out of your way to avoid it.

Here are January’s ratings

Books: I’ve only read one book this month because this one was a bit difficult for me to get through. Although an interesting topic, the dissection of it just doesn’t interest me as much as I thought it would.

1. The Body Keeps The Score (3/5)

Movies: Focused on watching some classics that I still hadn’t seen, including quite a few Studio Ghibli movies.

1. Saving Private Ryan (Yes this was my first time seeing it) (4/5)

2. Upgraded (3/5)

3. The Wind Rises (Be warned, this did cause me to sob while alone on a plane) (5/5)

4. Only Yesterday (2/5)

5. Porco Rosso (3/5)

6. Nausicaa of the Valley of The Wind (5/5)

7. A Few Good Men (4/5)

8. Migration (3/5)

TV shows: Continued watching Marry My Husband from last month as well!

1. Apothecary Diaries (5/5) - this show has caused a hyperfixation, I’m obsessed with the characters in this show

Restaurants: I am Chicago based so if there is no city next to the restaurant that means it’s in Chicago/Chicago Area. This month I went to LA so I have a few LA and Santa Barbara ones here that really stood out. I also did a higher end dinner with my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day that also really nailed the mark. Very pleased with my restaurant spread this month

1. Ciao Cafe (4/5)

2. Borit Gagae (LA) (5/5)

3. Saffy’s (LA) (5/5)

4. Yama Sushi (LA) (4/5)

5. Dart Coffee (Santa Barbara) (4/5)

6. Deep Sea (Santa Barbara) (3/5)

7. Loquita (Santa Barbara) (4/5)

8. Layla Bagel (LA) (4/5)

9. Uovo (LA) (5/5)

10. Schwa (5/5)

Classic LA vibes