May 2024 Diary - No Rest, More Problems
May was busy. I determine busy periods by how many non-usual events are packed into a given time period. May started off with hosting a friend from out of town, the middle was punctuated by a last minute work trip to Seattle, Wisp’s first vet visit, and my sister’s birthday party. Weekends included visits from my boyfriend’s parents and my first anime convention and the month ended with a girl’s trip in Miami.
I’m the type of person that does well when I have a lot of things on my plate, not because I’m one of those people that loves to brag about how busy I am but because having plans usually keeps me motivated and makes me feel accomplished, even if that feeling is only arbitrary. But this May really took it out of me and left me considering what it means to actually rest.
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Many times throughout this past month, I could feel myself just dreading the next string of commitments. There was nearly no time to myself and during the little time I did have, I still struggled to relax because I knew the next thing was looming just ahead.
I have never been good at resting. Even though I remember vegging out on the couch on weekends in high school, I could only allow myself to rest if I felt I had ‘earned it’. So rest only came if I finished everything I was supposed to do. In school, this method worked well because my tasks had an endpoint. Homework and my assigned chores could indeed be finished at some point. But as an adult, the work never ends. There is always more work to do at my job, more social plans to commit to, more doctor’s appointments to make, more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, more things to fix, and on and on. So ‘earning’ my rest has become virtually impossible.
Consequently, whenever I do back off, I usually suffer from a nagging guilty feeling. I am plagued by tiny anxieties about all the things I am currently not doing - which then of course makes it impossible to enjoy the present and my mind never truly gets its rest unless I’m asleep (and even then, sometimes my rest is questionable).
Theoretically, I know how I would like to feel after I’ve rested - rejuvenated, energized, inspired, excited. But that’s mostly theory - it is rare I actually achieve that feeling. Most of the activities I typically associate with rest leave me feeling even worse. “Rest” in my life can be divided into the following categories -
Rotting: This is the worst type of rest. It mostly consists of consuming inane media until my eyes burn. I default to this when I’m overwhelmed as it’s ideal for distracting myself from thinking or considering my present life. But when it’s done, I usually feel worse as all those thoughts I was staving off just come flooding back through.
“Self-Care”: If I had a nickel for every time I saw a self-care routine video that was actually just an ad, I would be rich enough to never be stressed again. Although I do partake in extensive skincare and hair care routines, these tasks do not feel like rest - they are simply necessary activities and are more like extra chores for me to complete, rather than something I look forward to as relaxation.
Travel/Vacation: I love travel. Going to someplace new is always a great way for me to get out of my own head and focus thriving in a new environment. However, travel is stressful in its own way and cannot occur as often as I would like for me to rely on it as a form of rest.
Flow State: If you haven’t heard of flow state, it’s often described as being ‘in the zone’ where you’re totally absorbed in a task and you lose track of time. This is rare for me. While I have experienced flow state before, I struggle with getting into flow on anything that I cannot immediately classify as ‘productive’ or ‘profitable’. This would be an ideal form of rest but it takes time and a mindset shift.
I do have isolated periods where I feel rested. I always feel great after a girls trip, international vacations, and time near the sun and the ocean. But I don’t have any regular, consistent routines around ideal rest so most of the time I default to rotting and the cycle of feeling vaguely shitty continues.
So how can I get better at rest?
Unfortunately, I do think the first ingredient is time. The best rests I have are when there are periods of decompression interspersed with variety like a trip or learning a skill, or doing a personal project. I do always get the urge to do something that may lead to a flow state, but only after I’ve decompressed and decompression takes time. I remember when I lived in LA, I would go to the beach every Saturday morning for about 4 hours. Those 4 hours were spent doing nothing but laying in the sun, reading, and swimming. Afterwards, I always felt so relaxed and ready to work on anything else I wanted to do. But getting 4 uninterrupted hours these days sometimes feels impossible.
Assuming I can avoid over-scheduling myself, once I’ve decompressed, the second piece is decoupling things I want to do from ‘productivity’. I am definitely a victim of the capitalist industrial complex and struggle to invest heavily into any activities that might not make me any money. I have already gotten better at this, last year I spent 3 months absolutely obsessed with a video game and I am terrible at those but I thoroughly enjoyed progressing in the game just for the sake of it. The key for me was finding something that allowed me to experience tangible progress rewards (like leveling up), turns out this works as a substitute for money in my mind. However, it is surprisingly difficult to find hobbies that provide immediate rewards, most skills have a ramp up period and that is still what is the hardest for me to get through despite my desire to learn.
Lastly, I simply need to be better about listening to myself. Not only when it comes to pursuing new interests but also about when I require decompression vs. active rest like travel or a hobby. For times when I’m overwhelmed, decompression may be all that I can get, and even though that’s not ideal, I cannot berate myself for that. The whole point of rest is to make you feel better, so I should be using that feeling to guide the best rest for me.
Miami
