April 2024 Diary - Change is Forever
Oh how the tables turn. A mere two months ago, I was writing about how I had finally reached a point where I was satisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, but April brought about a couple of big changes that have me eating my words.
The amount of change this month had me thinking a lot about the different types of change. The refrain is that change is constant but not all change is created equal. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the way I feel about change falls along two axes:
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Whether the change is invited or not
And how permanent the change is.
Some change is on purpose. We choose to move, get new jobs, or go to a new place on vacation. Other change is against our will. We are laid off, our friends leave, or a global pandemic upends our life.
Change is also often temporary. We come back from vacations, leases are time bound, projects at work end. Other change seems much longer term if not permanent. Marriage, moving to a new city, or getting a pet.
How these two elements interact completely determines how I feel about the change.
I even created a graph -
If the change is invited and more temporary like a vacation to somewhere new or a new makeup look, I am excited to get out of my comfort zone and do something new. Any negative feelings are abated because I know that if it doesn’t work out there is an out at the end.
If the change is invited but permanent, such as getting a pet or starting a new job, I tend to feel excited but also anxious. I’m often worried I’m making the wrong choice or that this new change won’t be what I expected.
Now for uninvited change. If the change is uninvited but temporary such as a bout of sickness or a new urgent work project, I feel frustrated. Unexpected changes always feel as though a set of tasks has been imposed on me that I now have to deal with. Even something positive often spurs negative emotions because I didn’t plan for it and now I have to find a way to make it fit.
Lastly, if the change is uninvited and permanent, a whole cycle of grief starts. Even for events that are not quite as permanent as death. I mourn the loss of my life before the change.
I had two major changes this month - both of the permanent variety and a week apart. One was invited and one was uninvited. I had enormous anxiety about both. Until now, I had always felt that my worry about change stemmed from the invited/uninvited axis, but it is not quite so simple.
In this case, my anxiety is lasting longer about the invited change rather than the uninvited one. Invited change comes with responsibility. I have to own that I invoked this new life. Conversely, uninvited change conspicuously lacks ownership. So while it may be frustrating to feel like I’m not in control, there is also a release. It is what it is, and I can’t change that. In that sense, uninvited change is easier to accept. There’s literally nothing else to do.
It's easy to forget that change is constant. Big changes don’t come around frequently so we forget that every day is just a series of little changes. Sometimes it may feel that we are in a routine where nothing new happens, but even something as seemingly small as a weather change forces us to adapt. Not to get all graph happy but every change also causes emotional turmoil. My dad sent me the following graph during my freshman year of college.
It maps out the emotions that usually follow a change. I never forgot this curve because my freshman year of college followed it to a T. My first semester, everything was surprising and new, right after winter break, I felt annoyed and depressed, and by the time the year ended, I was having a great time. At the time, I was so annoyed at how right he was.
But now, it reminds me that even positive changes can be laden with negative emotions. Change always means that you are different. It might be small, imperceptible even, but that can be difficult. It is always difficult to let go of what you were before because, at a minimum, it was known.
Right now, I am in the ‘experiment’ phase for both of my changes. I know there are kinks to work out but I also know that I will eventually reach a new normal. I can feel myself adapting day by day and although it’s difficult it’s also pretty cool to remember that I can continue to change and that each day I can take on a lot more than I could yesterday.
Photo is of Wisp! My new kitten! The permanent but invited change.
April Consumption Report
I’ve developed the following rating system, it’s half Michelin inspired and half of my own making.
5/5 - go out of your way to consume this, it is incredible, we will have endless discussions if you do. I’m obsessed.
4/5 - It is good. If you pick it up, I bet you won’t be disappointed
3/5 - Take it or leave it. It didn’t offend nor impress me
2/5 - It maybe has a couple redeemable qualities. Would not consume it knowing what I know now.
1/5 - Avoid at all costs. Go out of your way to avoid it.
Here are April’s ratings
Books: I only read a couple books this month. But they were dense and I am VERY proud of myself for finally finishing Dune; this was my third attempt and I can attest that seeing the new films did help!
Morningstar by Pierce Brown (3/5)
Dune by Frank Herbert (4/5)
Movies: Busy month means limited new movies. Nothing notable to report.
Kill Bill Vol.2 (3/5) (I had seen 1 a long time ago but never 2)
Event Horizon (3/5)
Thunderball (4/5)
TV shows: Mostly a month where we continued watching series from the previous month. Continued shows included Shogun, Frieren, and Solo Leveling. All still maintain their scores from the previous month!
Quiet on Set (4/5)
Fallout (5/5)
Summertime Rendering (In progress but so far 4/5)
Invincible S2 (4/5)
Restaurants: I am Chicago based so if there is no city next to the restaurant that means it’s in Chicago/Chicago Area. A lot of great new finds this month!
Maxwell Trading (4/5)
RL Restaurant (4/5)
El Tragón Taqueria (4/5)
Ummo (4/5)
Dear Margaret (5/5)
The Pearl Room (4/5)
Bae Cafe (4/5)
Cafe Korzo (3/5)
