March 2024 Diary - Body Neutrality
A few years ago, I realized I had stopped obsessing about my body on a daily basis.
Growing up, I thought about it all the time. First was in the context of how other people would talk about it. Adults would tell me I was tall or pretty for my age. When puberty hit, I would think about it in comparison to other kids. Am I too tall for my age? Will my chest be this flat forever? As an athlete in high school, I was in a swimsuit for multiple hours a day - of course I was still thinking about my body.
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When I moved out to LA for college, I experienced my own personal worst levels of body dysmorphia. College was the first time I started to view myself as attractive. This was nice at first, but caused me to put pressure on myself in yet a new way. Not sure what they are feeding the men in Southern California but I had never experienced so much overt attention towards my appearance until I moved out there.
I became hyper aware of my appearance, more so than ever before, and spent the entirety of my young adult years oscillating between pursuing two body types: super skinny (think size zero fashion model), or super athletic looking with a ton of lean muscle and a butt (think instagram fitness model). It’s important to note that this battle was going on completely inside my head. If you track my body during this time, it looks pretty much the same the entire time.
Each month, I would look at myself in the mirror and decide I was either too skinny or too muscular (I was never either) and would plan my workouts accordingly. But because I had no concept of what I actually looked like anymore, I was constantly switching between ideals and never spent long enough on a single goal to make any headway. This behavior persisted throughout college and beyond.
However, recently, I realized I haven’t been thinking this way anymore, and I haven’t been thinking this way for some time, probably for four or five years now.
I never had an epiphany, I never got deep into the body positive movement, I never worked on ‘loving my body’, I just realized that my body must look this way in order to live the way I want to live.
I’ll repeat that - My body must look this way in order to live the way I want to live.
I realized that I liked my life and I liked the way I treated myself. I liked the types of movement I was doing. I liked the food I was eating. I liked the people I was spending time with. And my body was allowing me to live this way.
If you want to make changes to your body, it requires change to your behaviors. For example, if you want to lose weight, you may have to eat a little less and do a little more cardio. If you want to gain weight, you may have to eat more. Straightforward, but what is overlooked is the sacrifice involved in this change. In order to implement changed behaviors, you must sacrifice your current ones. Somewhere along the line, I had decided that sacrificing for the sake of aesthetic was not worth it to me.
Your body is a reflection of your genetics, and what you put it through in daily life. I liked my lifestyle, so how could I begrudge my body? It reflected all the things I liked about my life. Could I have lost weight if I wanted? Probably, but it would’ve required sacrificing nights out with my friends. Could I have built a butt? Sure, but it would’ve required changing a training regimen I loved.
I can describe this feeling only as body neutrality. And I do recognize that I can come to this idea with a certain amount of privilege. Due to my genetics and childhood focus on athletics, I’ve always fit the societal beauty standard to a certain extent. But that didn’t stop me from tearing myself apart for years, hyper-fixating on any extra skin, muscles that seemed to defined, proportions I couldn’t change. A rogue comment from a random asshole at a bar could lodge in my head and affect my gym and diet decisions for months.
Now? Any change in my body could only come from an overwhelming feeling to change some other part of my life. Maybe I decide I need to pick up a new sport. My body will reflect that. Maybe I decide hangovers are no longer worth it and I stop drinking. My body will reflect that. Appearances are the overwhelming reason I ever wanted to change my body in the past. They are the reason most people seek to change their bodies. But for me, they are no longer worth even thinking about. As long as my body continues to allow me to live the way I want to live, I will not force her to fit an arbitrary aesthetic.
Perhaps this is not helpful for most people. But the discourse around body image seems to only revolve around body optimization and diet culture, or on loving your body no matter what. But there is a middle ground where you don’t obsess over your body at all and that, at least for me, has been the healthiest way to think about it
March Consumption Report
I’ve developed the following rating system, it’s half Michelin inspired and half of my own making. I will only be delving into detail for things I’ve rated a 5 or that have resulted in a mild obsession.
5/5 - go out of your way to consume this, it is incredible, we will have endless discussions if you do. I’m obsessed.
4/5 - It is good. If you pick it up, I bet you won’t be disappointed
3/5 - Take it or leave it. It didn’t offend nor impress me
2/5 - It maybe has a couple redeemable qualities. Would not consume it knowing what I know now.
1/5 - Avoid at all costs. Go out of your way to avoid it.
Here are March’s ratings
Books: I read a few books this month. I’ve now read all of R.F. Kuang’s books and started the Red Rising series.
Yellowface by R.F. Kuang (4/5)
Red Rising by Pierce Brown (4/5)
Golden Son by Pierce Brown (3/5)
Movies: Focused on watching some classics that I still hadn’t seen, including quite a few Studio Ghibli movies.
Dune Part 2 (5/5) (I saw this TWICE in theaters. I can’t remember the last time I did that; it is going to spur an entire other post)
Pineapple Express (3/5)
Damsel (1/5)
The Cat Returns (4/5)
The Secret World of Arrietty (4/5)
Anyone But You (3/5)
Anatomy of a Fall (5/5)
TV shows: Continued watching Apothecary Diaries from last month as well!
Shogun (not finished yet but the first 5 episodes are 4/5)
Hazbin Hotel (5/5 - Obsessed)
Helluva Boss (4/5 - but obsessed again)
Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End (again I’m only half way but 5/5)
Solo Leveling (4/5)
Vinland Saga S2 (4/5)
Restaurants: I am Chicago based so if there is no city next to the restaurant that means it’s in Chicago/Chicago Area. This month I went to Austin, TX and Alberta, Canada for short trips so there are a few restaurants from those locations as well.
Crushed By Giants (3/5)
King Smoothie (ATX) (3/5)
Mañana Cafe (ATX) (3/5)
Flower Child (ATX) (4/5)
Banff Avenue Brewing (Banff) (3/5)
Wallister Stube (Lake Louise) (4/5)
Legends (Lake Louise) (3/5)
Fairview Bar (Lake Louise) (4/5)
Three Bears Brewery (Banff) (4/5)
Wild Flour (Banff) (4/5)
Local (Calgary) (3/5)
Maxwell’s Trading (4/5)
Milos, Greece
